Post No. 2

When I last wrote, I left the story with my husband and I, driving home in the dark, talking about the possibility of having babies. The conversation went on for at least a couple hours so I don't remember exactly what was said. I do remember laughter bubbling out of me. "Did we really just have this conversation," I asked?

And there it sat for several days, maybe a week. We were sitting in the living room, me on the love seat and my husband at the computer. I decided to check in with him about this conversation we'd had. The baby conversation. I brought it up, reminding him again, that if he wanted to have a baby, I wouldn't stop him. At one point, he cracked up. "What's so funny," I asked him.

"Let me tell you a story, little girl," he said. Apparently, since the time we'd last talked he'd been praying. He'd asked God to give him a sign that we should move forward with having a baby. The sign? That I bring it up again. 

So we talked about it some more. I told my husband that I thought we should wait a year and spend that time paying down some bills, put some money in savings and then go off birth control. Initially my husband said he'd heard people say that if you waited until you were financially ready to have babies, it would never happen. But I told him I wasn't wanting to get all our bills paid off, I just wanted to work on paying down our bills for a specified period of time and then go for it. He agreed this sounded like a good plan.

At this point, I was still saying that I was prepared to have a baby for him. I'd told him I would if he ever expressed interest and now he'd expressed interest.

A few days later I came to him with 2011 and 2012 calendars, mapping out a possible plan. Nine more months on birth control, while we got on firmer financial footing, and, depending on  how soon we got pregnant, a baby in 2012. He teased me a little bit about really having the baby fever and to be honest I got a little irritated. I was doing this for him, after all.

It wasn't until later on in the week, when I found myself googling nursing rockers and cribs, that I discovered that might not be the case any more. Maybe I wasn't just saying I'd have a baby for him any more. Would I be happy if my husband came to me and said he had changed his mind and didn't want to have a baby after all? No, I wouldn't, I realized. I'd be disappointed.

For me, it was an almost instantaneous transformation. I went from someone that said she could go her whole life without having children and be perfectly happy to someone that was ready to have a baby. Someone that wanted to have a baby.